We've Scientifically Formulated the Perfect Valentine's Day Gift for Everyone in Your Life

A Valentine's Gift Guide Matrix for Her, Him or Them

By Jason Woods & Molly Fincher

February 5, 2020

We've Scientifically Formulated the Perfect Valentine's Day Gift for Everyone in Your Life

Not sure how to show someone how you feel? Are you wanting to express your love this Valentine’s Day, but feeling weird about being cliché or consumeristic? We may have a solution for you.

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Paperman, Walt Disney Animation Studios

Is a Heifer gift unconventional for Valentine’s Day? Yes. But 79 percent of Americans have said they would rather have a charitable gift given in their name than receive something material, so maybe this is one of those it’s-so-crazy-it-just-might-work occasions. So if you’re feeling a little counter-cultural, we’ve plotted our gifts according to what you want to express this Valentine’s Day.

The Birds and the Bees
The gift of honeybees, chicks, ducklings or goslings are all adorable ways to say, "I love you." Give if you're looking for this reaction:

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Definitely Dating
Sheep and rabbits are perfect if you're looking for a cuddle or a kiss. 
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Bambi, Walt Disney Animation Studios
It's Complicated
Confused about an ambiguous romantic entanglement? Giving an alpaca is a way to say, "I don't understand what we are." 

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Gentlemen Broncos, 20th Century Fox 

Friends and Family
Valentine's Day doesn't have to be all about romantic love. Say "You're the greatest" with a goat. Got a friend who's going through a breakup? Give a school of fish to say, "Don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea."

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The Little Mermaid, Walt Disney Animation Studios

Not sure how to break up with someone? Give them a pig or heifer with the note, "This reminds me of you."

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Community, NBC

Valentine's Day Haters
Last but not least, the water buffalo are here for everyone who is just not into Valentine's Day. Giving a water buffalo is sure to let your loved one know you're on the same page. It says, "This holiday is contrived. Hunger and poverty are real."

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True Detective, HBO